...well, there was at least one day when it was chilly.
Gosh, I've been feeling so much sadness lately, too. It really is something that comes in waves. The term "steep hill climb" must just be for Traithlon mountain bikers ;)
October 22nd will be one year since Brenan's bone marrow transplant. It's such a surreal feeling. In the last few weeks, I've been thinking and reflecting so much about the events of the past year. In one way, it feels like yesterday. In another, it feels like years ago. We have been through so much in that time. As October comes with the brisk air, it rushes in with so many memories. I remember feeling the chill walking into the hospital at night after work, the Halloween candy we had in our room, the Jack O'Lantern pumpkin that Julianne brought to add decoration, the kindness of the staff on the 12th floor at Good Sam, the anticipation, the worry, and the hopefulness. It's kind of overwhelming to look back on all that and then fast forward to where we are now. It's like a movie. Or as Elisa and I say "It's like someone else's life."
I seem to have a hard time finding a balance between making time to grieve and being overcome by it. Where is that place that it between denial and dehibilitation? It's definitely a challenge that I think many go through in such circumstances. Sometimes, the things that seem the most trivial make me the saddest....like the other day when I reorganized my closet and reflected on how much Brenan would have appreciated the tidiness. Those things make me smile and sad at the same time. How confusing. He made a huge impression on us all and the things he taught me are so engrained in my life that it is impossible to separate his influences from who I am today. For that, I am grateful but it makes it very difficult to anticpate when the sadness will come. I have very much appreciated everyone's love and support and hope that you are feeling supported in your grief for Brenan as well.
With love, Jess
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4 comments:
We just love you all so much! Brenan was just so amazing and he impacted so many lives with his life. Know that you all continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.
Love, Aunt Dee
I know that I still miss Brenan very much. Its really hard for some people to understand how another feels. I still have Brenan in my phone cant delete him Then I know its permanent. My thoughts are with you all . Jess you made Brenans life special, he loved you very much. you could just see that love in his eyes. just remember that I am here for you anytime and that you are loved very much by myself and many others. Aunt LaVonne
It's hard to believe it's been a year since the transplant. Like you Jess, I have my moments where I really miss Brenan more than other moments. It's those times when I'm watching a game and I see something that Brenan would have appreciated or in the case of the Cardinals when they do something stupid that would drive both of us crazy. Or it's times when I think of something funny from our past that I know only he would totally appreciate. In those moments I feel such sadness that my friend isn't here but I'm quickly reminded that, and I mentioned this at the memorial, that he's in a much better place. I know that phrase is thrown around after the loss of virtually everyone but in Brenan's case I know it to be true.
In one of the last conversations we had it was clear that Brenan's heart was with Christ. I know not everybody believes in an afterlife or that Christ offers salvation but just because it's not believed doesn't make it untrue. I know without any doubt that death is not the end, that Christ offers salvation, and God is real. I'm so excited to know that although I can't spend time with Brenan on earth anymore, the end is not the end. I will see him again and we can talk about those Cardinals mistakes and funny moments because God offered up His own son to give the rest of us eternal life. Brenan and I will talk again and that opportunity is there for anybody who accepts Christ's gift of salvation.
Miss and I continue to pray for you and the whole Eiler family. Love you all. God bless.
dan
Thank you Dan. and thank you to everyone that has supported us. I miss our son, Bruce misses our son. We too believe that Christ is our savior and we will be joined again one day. But in the meantime, we miss our son. I miss our boy, our brenan. and always will
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