So, I initially posted the Nickelback song with the lyrics video because I thought it was the better choice than their official music video. Anyhow, I was just thinking about the cool message at the end of their official video and I decided to post it as well. Watch to the end...it's worth it!
Nickelback: If Today Was Your Last Day (Official Music Video)
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Nickelback-If Today Was Your Last Day
This song always reminds me of Brenan. He lived his whole life like it was his last day...being genuinely good to people, learning all that he could from any situation, volunteering his time and talents, and striving to be the best that he could be.
Words to live by and reflect on:
Nickelback--If Today Was Your Last Day
Words to live by and reflect on:
Nickelback--If Today Was Your Last Day
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tri-Again
On September 27, I participated in a practice triathlon, something I did last year as well. You can see photos from the event here: http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event.asp?EVENTID=56187&BIB=158&S=230&PWD=#
Just about 10 more days until the fundraising triathlon that many of you contributed to. Check out my latest on fundraising here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/dm/amchamp09/eeiler
Just about 10 more days until the fundraising triathlon that many of you contributed to. Check out my latest on fundraising here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/dm/amchamp09/eeiler
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The chill of October
...well, there was at least one day when it was chilly.
Gosh, I've been feeling so much sadness lately, too. It really is something that comes in waves. The term "steep hill climb" must just be for Traithlon mountain bikers ;)
October 22nd will be one year since Brenan's bone marrow transplant. It's such a surreal feeling. In the last few weeks, I've been thinking and reflecting so much about the events of the past year. In one way, it feels like yesterday. In another, it feels like years ago. We have been through so much in that time. As October comes with the brisk air, it rushes in with so many memories. I remember feeling the chill walking into the hospital at night after work, the Halloween candy we had in our room, the Jack O'Lantern pumpkin that Julianne brought to add decoration, the kindness of the staff on the 12th floor at Good Sam, the anticipation, the worry, and the hopefulness. It's kind of overwhelming to look back on all that and then fast forward to where we are now. It's like a movie. Or as Elisa and I say "It's like someone else's life."
I seem to have a hard time finding a balance between making time to grieve and being overcome by it. Where is that place that it between denial and dehibilitation? It's definitely a challenge that I think many go through in such circumstances. Sometimes, the things that seem the most trivial make me the saddest....like the other day when I reorganized my closet and reflected on how much Brenan would have appreciated the tidiness. Those things make me smile and sad at the same time. How confusing. He made a huge impression on us all and the things he taught me are so engrained in my life that it is impossible to separate his influences from who I am today. For that, I am grateful but it makes it very difficult to anticpate when the sadness will come. I have very much appreciated everyone's love and support and hope that you are feeling supported in your grief for Brenan as well.
With love, Jess
Gosh, I've been feeling so much sadness lately, too. It really is something that comes in waves. The term "steep hill climb" must just be for Traithlon mountain bikers ;)
October 22nd will be one year since Brenan's bone marrow transplant. It's such a surreal feeling. In the last few weeks, I've been thinking and reflecting so much about the events of the past year. In one way, it feels like yesterday. In another, it feels like years ago. We have been through so much in that time. As October comes with the brisk air, it rushes in with so many memories. I remember feeling the chill walking into the hospital at night after work, the Halloween candy we had in our room, the Jack O'Lantern pumpkin that Julianne brought to add decoration, the kindness of the staff on the 12th floor at Good Sam, the anticipation, the worry, and the hopefulness. It's kind of overwhelming to look back on all that and then fast forward to where we are now. It's like a movie. Or as Elisa and I say "It's like someone else's life."
I seem to have a hard time finding a balance between making time to grieve and being overcome by it. Where is that place that it between denial and dehibilitation? It's definitely a challenge that I think many go through in such circumstances. Sometimes, the things that seem the most trivial make me the saddest....like the other day when I reorganized my closet and reflected on how much Brenan would have appreciated the tidiness. Those things make me smile and sad at the same time. How confusing. He made a huge impression on us all and the things he taught me are so engrained in my life that it is impossible to separate his influences from who I am today. For that, I am grateful but it makes it very difficult to anticpate when the sadness will come. I have very much appreciated everyone's love and support and hope that you are feeling supported in your grief for Brenan as well.
With love, Jess
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Holiday Plans
My parents and I are all set with our holiday plans. We're excited to pack up and head north for an authentic white Christmas with the family up in Minnesota. I haven't seen snow in God knows how long... I think I might need to go shopping for a big winter coat!
We're looking forward to our trip to see some friendly faces - and we know that being close to our loved ones will be the best place for us during the holidays and Brenan's birthday, which is Dec. 21.
We're looking forward to our trip to see some friendly faces - and we know that being close to our loved ones will be the best place for us during the holidays and Brenan's birthday, which is Dec. 21.
Monday, October 12, 2009
A bit of a tangent...
We lost Brenan almost 5 months ago… actually 140 days ago today, but who’s counting? Oh, that’s right – we are… my mom, my dad, and me. And probably Jess, but I don’t want to speak for her. I know that we all continue to mourn in our own way.
Which brings me to my point, which I've been meaning to make for the past few months – every person in the world mourns the loss of a loved one in a different way. It depends upon your relationship with the loved one, the dynamics of that relationship, and also, to be completely honest, how the person died. One person’s situation is not any easier or less sad than any other person’s situation – they are just different.
My best friend lost her unborn child last year – she still cries from time to time. There were periods of time when she missed work because she was so sad. Yes, many of us worried about her… but now, over a year later, she is coping and making it through her sadness. She just needed time – and the truth is, there is a part of her that is still sad and always will be, which I believe is very understandable and expected. She knew early on that her pregnancy was high risk. It didn’t make her any less sad when she lost her first son at 20 weeks. Similarly, we knew that Brenan was very sick for a long time, and when he was released from the hospital that final time, we all were reluctant to come to the realization that the end was near. That doesn’t mean we weren’t any less shocked and devastated when he took his final breath than if it had happened in a sudden accident.
My parents and I are coping to the best of our ability, thanks to those loyal friends who have been here with us every step of the way. However, our mourning has been more of a rollercoaster than an uphill climb. We aren’t just going to reach the top of a mountain and suddenly be fine. Some people see mourning as this – that we march uphill out of our valley of sadness for a set amount of days and then we need to “move on.” So how many days do we get? Are we allowed to be sad for 30, 45, or maybe even 60 days? Can we have even 90 days to mourn? What’s okay with YOU? How many days can YOU handle our sorrow? Sorry, I went off on a tangent there because I’m very irritated by some people, who we have considered “friends,” that have been giving us restrictions on the time and way we can mourn Brenan. Believe it or not, how we are mourning is normal for us – and no one has any room to judge because they do not know what it’s like to be us and in our position.
Like I said before, our journey these past few months has been like a rollercoaster - lowest of low days and extremely happy highs. Eventually, our rollercoaster will not have as severe ups and downs as it does now and things will even out a bit. Some days are fine – absolutely normal and smooth sailing. Other days are devastating, the emotional dam breaks, and the tears flow like a waterfall. One thing can trigger the sadness – today for me it was thinking about how Brenan wanted to possibly pursue a degree from University of Phoenix and we talked about finding him the right online program. Now, he’ll never get that opportunity. I think about that, and I get very, very sad.
Yes, my mom and dad are sad, too. They have every right to be. I want to thank each and every one of you who have let my parents and me cry on your shoulder. Crying and being sad is not wrong. Feeling devastated is normal. We wake up, we go to work, we eat, we sleep, we talk to each other, and yes, WE CRY. And we won’t stop crying. But we will learn to cry less, to continue living our lives, and to find new things to be happy about, and this will take time. That doesn’t make us “sick” and it doesn’t make us “depressed.” It makes us “normal.”
***If for any reason you are worried about my parents or me, please reach out to me. Please call or write, and ask questions. I see my parents about twice a week and talk to them every day. If anyone knows how they are feeling or how they are doing, it is me. So if my mom doesn’t get a chance to return your call, feel free to call me and we can discuss.
Which brings me to my point, which I've been meaning to make for the past few months – every person in the world mourns the loss of a loved one in a different way. It depends upon your relationship with the loved one, the dynamics of that relationship, and also, to be completely honest, how the person died. One person’s situation is not any easier or less sad than any other person’s situation – they are just different.
My best friend lost her unborn child last year – she still cries from time to time. There were periods of time when she missed work because she was so sad. Yes, many of us worried about her… but now, over a year later, she is coping and making it through her sadness. She just needed time – and the truth is, there is a part of her that is still sad and always will be, which I believe is very understandable and expected. She knew early on that her pregnancy was high risk. It didn’t make her any less sad when she lost her first son at 20 weeks. Similarly, we knew that Brenan was very sick for a long time, and when he was released from the hospital that final time, we all were reluctant to come to the realization that the end was near. That doesn’t mean we weren’t any less shocked and devastated when he took his final breath than if it had happened in a sudden accident.
My parents and I are coping to the best of our ability, thanks to those loyal friends who have been here with us every step of the way. However, our mourning has been more of a rollercoaster than an uphill climb. We aren’t just going to reach the top of a mountain and suddenly be fine. Some people see mourning as this – that we march uphill out of our valley of sadness for a set amount of days and then we need to “move on.” So how many days do we get? Are we allowed to be sad for 30, 45, or maybe even 60 days? Can we have even 90 days to mourn? What’s okay with YOU? How many days can YOU handle our sorrow? Sorry, I went off on a tangent there because I’m very irritated by some people, who we have considered “friends,” that have been giving us restrictions on the time and way we can mourn Brenan. Believe it or not, how we are mourning is normal for us – and no one has any room to judge because they do not know what it’s like to be us and in our position.
Like I said before, our journey these past few months has been like a rollercoaster - lowest of low days and extremely happy highs. Eventually, our rollercoaster will not have as severe ups and downs as it does now and things will even out a bit. Some days are fine – absolutely normal and smooth sailing. Other days are devastating, the emotional dam breaks, and the tears flow like a waterfall. One thing can trigger the sadness – today for me it was thinking about how Brenan wanted to possibly pursue a degree from University of Phoenix and we talked about finding him the right online program. Now, he’ll never get that opportunity. I think about that, and I get very, very sad.
Yes, my mom and dad are sad, too. They have every right to be. I want to thank each and every one of you who have let my parents and me cry on your shoulder. Crying and being sad is not wrong. Feeling devastated is normal. We wake up, we go to work, we eat, we sleep, we talk to each other, and yes, WE CRY. And we won’t stop crying. But we will learn to cry less, to continue living our lives, and to find new things to be happy about, and this will take time. That doesn’t make us “sick” and it doesn’t make us “depressed.” It makes us “normal.”
***If for any reason you are worried about my parents or me, please reach out to me. Please call or write, and ask questions. I see my parents about twice a week and talk to them every day. If anyone knows how they are feeling or how they are doing, it is me. So if my mom doesn’t get a chance to return your call, feel free to call me and we can discuss.
Quotes to ponder
Hi, all....a couple of things that really stuck out to me from church today that I thought I'd share. These are both quotes of Brian Anderson (Vineyard North Phoenix):
"The starting point of Christian faith is to see ourselves as children of God--through adoption by our faith in Jesus Christ." And as children of God, we should see ourselves as God sees us: perfect, wonderful, adored.
"Two things can be lead to sin and difficulties in life: (1) Distortions of God and who He really is; and (2) Distortions of ourselves and who we really are in God's eyes." Because God truly wants to be a father to us...loving and giving. He wants us to see ourselves as He sees us...worthy, capable, loved.
Just some thoughts to ponder ;) Hope that all is well with everyone!
"The starting point of Christian faith is to see ourselves as children of God--through adoption by our faith in Jesus Christ." And as children of God, we should see ourselves as God sees us: perfect, wonderful, adored.
"Two things can be lead to sin and difficulties in life: (1) Distortions of God and who He really is; and (2) Distortions of ourselves and who we really are in God's eyes." Because God truly wants to be a father to us...loving and giving. He wants us to see ourselves as He sees us...worthy, capable, loved.
Just some thoughts to ponder ;) Hope that all is well with everyone!
Nichole Nordeman--Gratitude
I love this song. I am surprising myself to realize that I haven't posted this video sooner. It's an amazing song in that it fits almost every life event...celebrations and sorrows. Hope that you enjoy it.
Nichole Nordeman--Gratitude
Nichole Nordeman--Gratitude
Lyrics:
Send some rain, would you send some rain? Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again. And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade. Would you send a cloud, thunder long and loud? Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down? Surely you can see that we are thirsty and afraid. But maybe not, not today. Maybe you'll provide in other ways. And if that's the case: We'll give thanks to You, with gratitude, for lessons learned in how to thirst in You; how to bless the very sun that warms our face; if you never send us rain.
Daily bread, give us daily bread. Bless our bodies, keep our children fed. Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight. Wrap us up and warm us through. Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs. Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time. Or maybe not, not today. Maybe You'll provide in other ways. And if that's the case: We'll give thanks to You, with gratitude; a lesson learned to hunger after You; that a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead, and if we never taste that bread.
Oh, the differences that often are between--everything we want and what we really need.
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace. Move our hearts to hear a single beat, between alibis and enemies tonight. Or maybe not, not today. Peace might be another world away. And if that's the case: We'll give thanks to You with gratitude for lessons learned in how to trust in You. That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream in abundance or in need. And if you never grant us peace....but Jesus, would you please?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Catching up
Gosh! It's been ages since I posted anything. Work has been kind of crazy because the quarter just ended on Friday and I was trying to get all my progress reports done and an IEP done before fall break. Thankfully, I lived and now I have a week off to recuperate and to catch up on the many things I've been neglecting lately!...such as ASU homework (Boo!) However, I officially filed for December graduation this week so the end is near!
Thought that I'd post a couple of videos since I haven't shared much lately. These are all songs by the band "Mercy Me." They're another great band like Casting Crowns.
Mercy Me--Word of God Speak
Thought that I'd post a couple of videos since I haven't shared much lately. These are all songs by the band "Mercy Me." They're another great band like Casting Crowns.
Mercy Me--Word of God Speak
Mercy Me--I Can Only Imagine
Mercy Me--Spoken For
Hope that everyone out there is doing well! Jess
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