Somewhere in the Middle--Casting Crowns

I think that this song really speaks to the way that I have been feeling for the last month. Just kind of rings true to my heart. Perhaps you will feel similarly. It's off Casting Crowns "The Altar and the Door" CD. The song is "Somewhere in the Middle." Aren't we all...

In Case You Weren't Able to Attend

Here are a few photos of the church from the memorial service...

Let the Fundraising Begin!

The moment Brenan was diagnosed with cancer, we became big supporters of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, as did many of you! Part of my involvement with this organization is being a member of Team in Training. Team in Training joins different races around the country and fundraises for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society while raising awareness about blood cancers. All fundraising goes directly to the society and towards research to find a cure. This is what Brenan wanted - that we all continue to help other families reach that cure.

Many of you gave us checks made out to the Society and here's a heads up - they will be processed in the next couple of days! If you gave us a blank check, we made it out for you to the Society and you will see your contribution on my fundraising site.

I will begin training for my triathlon with Team in Training next month. The triathlon is called the Amica Championship and it takes place at Lake Pleasant in Peoria, AZ on November 1st. Mark your calendars!

You can visit my fundraising site and check on my progress by clicking here. You'll see that it will take several days for all your contributions to show up, but have patience! They will be listed there soon!

Memorial in Minnesota

Even though they weren't able to make the trek out to Arizona to celebrate Brenan's life with us in Scottsdale, all our Minnesota friends and family were able to remember Brenan in their own way. Many, many people who love Brenan and our family came to the home of Debbie and Stan LeRoy, my mom's brother, in Northfield on June 7. Debbie was honored to have the memorial service in her home and said that many of our relatives felt a bit more closure having Brenan there with them. Poems were read and stories were told, much like at the service but in a more intimate setting. Thank you to all those who attended and offered support to my parents and sent their love home with them for me and Jess. We are so grateful for all our family and friends!

God Is Not Silent--Tom Quaid

Here is an audio link from a recent service at our church (Vineyard Church North Phoenix) . It was so good that I have listened to it about five times. Reasons why *you* should listen to it: (1) Because it was the kind of message that Brenan would have talked about over lunch...and subsequently gone out to volunteer for yet another community service activity, (2) Because the pastor quotes from "3 Amigos," (3) Because it has some powerful, inspiring ideas about changing the world.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN.
[Click HERE if you'd like the corresponding notes, too].

PS I imagine this is the type of thing where you could download it to an Ipod or other portable device. If you know how to do this sort of thing, please post directions for others in the "comments section." Also, if you have any trouble opening up the audio link, you may need the current version of the Quicktime player. Click HERE for link to free download for QuickTime.

Hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Now, let's all go change the world. -jess-

Making Brenan Proud

Brenan would be so excited to know that our cousin, Justin Dwyer, grandson of our Aunt Lavonne who spent so much time with us recently, has just won a national competition in the field of auto mechanics. Brenan was rooting for Justin and enjoyed hearing about his success from Aunt Lavonne. More details on the actual competition coming soon... but I believe there was some sort of scholarship involved for a prestigious auto mechanics school.

Racing in Honor of Brenan

On the day of Brenan's memorial service, Team in Training members were racing in a triathlon which they dedicated to Brenan and our family. From one of my former Team in Training teammates, Heidi, came this:

We were all thinking of Brenan, you, and your family on Saturday. Everyone on my team wore a picture of Brenan and Jess on their race numbers. Attached are some pictures. I plan on donating in Brenan's memory to your next triathlon so please keep me updated.

- Heidi

Anybody there? Post your name HERE

Hey, everyone! The "comments section" has been kind of lonely lately. I know that it feels like there's never anything right to say--I feel that way, too a lot of the time. But, I believe that everyone feels lifted up to see that other people are alongside them in this journey...and I'm trying to figure out if Elisa and I should keep posting here.

So, if you *are* still reading....all you have to do is SIGN YOUR NAME in the comments section. (Click below this post where it says "comments" and a new window will pop up. Type your name and follow directions to submit. You don't have to sign up for anything to post comments.) Let's build a long list! -jess-

Casting Crowns-Praise You In This Storm

This video will completely speak for itself...

Message from Millie

Millie is Dan Bessey's mom. Brenan grew up with Dan and spent a lot of time with the Bessey family. She had a few words of comfort for us. Thanks, Millie.

When we were at the church last week I was trying so hard not to cry... As the service started I began to focus on something, anything that might make me realize that Brenan was OK...I had searched my soul and racked my brain and just couldn't get my arms around all the grief and the sorrow.

Suddenly as the service began, I saw a little lizard climbing outside the building and up the wall, pausing every so often, doing push ups and looking in at the crowd and that became my salvation. I kept thinking, "Yep, there's my sign...Brenan, climbing up the wall, all that strength to hang on, watching to see what we were all up to and making sure he told us it was all ok."

When we left the church Missy (Dan's wife) mentioned a similar story saying that watching that little lizard kept her from being too upset because she found his antics kind of amusing and just about that time, didn't it cross right in front of us. I said, 'Well, there he goes again." Silly? Yes! Comforting? Absolutely!

I figure that every time I see one hanging out in the yard now that'll be my commentary from Brenan that he's OK and watching over us all.

Bryan mentioned him being a guardian angel and I believe that to be true. Angels take on many forms for people and so that little lizard will be mine.

I hope your days are getting better as time goes on. Grief isn't easy, it changes over time and at least becomes tolerable.

Stained Glass Masquerade Video

Really cool video. A good reminder for all to "keep it real." Kind of goes along with the 'Real Christians can grieve' motif. A great song by Casting Crowns...enjoy. -jess-

Two passages from church that really stood out to me today:
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John 9:1-5 (NIV)
1 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
3 "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

I found this really comforting. As Brenan and I believed, and I continue to believe, God does not give us diseases or choose not to cure us from diseases. God simply uses these things in a way that helps us better learn about Him, learn about each other, and with time God makes some kind of good out of all the sadness we experience in this world...if we open ourselves up to the possibility of that good.
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1 Timothy 6:6-12, 17-19 (NIV)
6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9 Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 11 But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
17 Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 18 Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. 19 In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.

"Take hold of the life that is TRULY life." Words to live by.
Love to all -Jess-

"You've Got a Friend"

Cousin Roni emailed us this cool video. Thought others might enjoy it too.

Meditation by Brandon Willett

Friends--These are the words of Brandon Willett from the memorial service on Saturday. From the bottom of my heart, I am so thankful that God gave Kristin and Brandon the strength to lead the service on Saturday. They have been such tremendous friends to us and were grieving the same loss that we all were. Hope that these words bring ongoing comfort to all. -jess-
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Early this past Monday morning our sense of what is normal changed forever. Now what? We have lost a beloved part of our lives and the heavy weight of this loss is, at times, unbearable. We feel pain, shock, disillusionment, anger, confusion, disappointment and a host of other emotions that hurt. In spite of this we have gathered today in this service of worship to honor Brenan Eiler and to celebrate his life, to express our gratitude for the countless ways in which his life has touched, shaped, challenged, and enriched our own lives, to share our most cherished memories of him, to begin to grieve, and many of us have come with a deep desire to understand, why? Why has this tragedy happened?

It is a very common and important part of the grieving process for those who experience the loss of a loved one to ask this question. This can be especially true regarding faithful Christians because we believe our God who creates, sustains, and loves us has the power to heal any ailment and the wisdom to answer our question. So what is the answer? From the deepest part of my being, after many hours of prayer and thought I would have to say, “I don’t know.” And I believe the truest answer any completely honest person and faithful Christian would give is, “I don’t know.” None of us knows why death, pain, and suffering happens. Our inability to get to the bottom of this question is one thing that binds together all people in every time and place and over the centuries the Christian tradition has discovered and preserved some helpful suggestions on the path to understanding “why.” Consider the following ideas as you work toward your own grief recovery.

First, be aware that we have a tendency to assign blame for the negative things that happen in our lives. It is common to do so. Somewhat ironically for non-Christians and Christians alike God is arguably the most commonly accused. “What did I, or she, or he do to deserve this?” and “Why me, her, or him Lord?” are common expressions that assign blame to God. How do you think God would respond to being accused in this way? A few weeks ago when we were visiting with Brenan and Jess they both expressed deep concern regarding this issue. “I don’t know why this has happened, but God did not do it,” they said. I am humbled by this testament of their deep reverence for God and their concern for others.

Over the past few weeks I have spent a great deal of time considering Brenan’s point and I have shared it with you because it exemplifies a classic Christian ideal- God creates life he doesn’t destroy it. Like Brenan I do not believe God afflicted him with with the disease that would eventually take his life. I cannot begin to understand, much less explain “why” or “why him” and so as a person of faith who is grieving the loss of a good man and friend, I have turned to God; for answers, or comfort, or presence or whatever God will give me that will begin to remove the sting of this loss. I have turned to God because grieving is messy business and most of us will experience greater healing when we grieve together. In addition, the process of working through grief is different for every person but it usually involves some combination of sobbing, silence, trembling, screaming, shock. I have turned to God because as the one who created us and became human, God is familiar not only with human grief but with my grief and yours too. For us, a sense of peace is not yet on the horizon, but I have turned to God because I believe the assurance from scripture that God’s peace transcends all understanding, especially my own. There is no more ready and able partner with whom to travel the road of grief recovery than God.

God is now and will continue to be with you in your grief. Only you can decide when, how, and the extent to which you will interact with God as you work through your grief. It is my belief that God doesn’t care nearly so much how we interact with him as that we choose to interact with him. The emotions we experience as the result of a significant loss are many and complicated. Express them to God candidly. Sob, scream, wrestle, argue, engage, accuse. God loves us beyond measure and without reservation. Be confident that God will stay with us through the overwhelming emotions that are borne out of grief. It is common for grief to challenge and even disrupt a person’s faith. Remember that God will be with you always. Take the time you need to restore a firm foundation for your faith.

Finally, as we celebrate Brenan’s life, wonder why, grieve, and wrestle with God let us be sensitive to the needs of each other. Even as we ourselves grieve we may be in a unique position to help another person with his or her grief. Be attentive to the ways in which you might be able to use your own experience with grief to share God’s grace and love by listening carefully, being present, or sharing stories. But a word of caution here: Remember that every person feels and moves through grief in different ways so don’t presume to know another person’s needs or where another person is in his or her grief recovery. If you want to help, ask what you can do. And by all means avoid clichés that generalize or trivialize or offer quick and easy solutions to another person’s grief. Offering a hug or a shoulder to cry on or to spend time with another person is worth more than words can say. Let us celebrate Brenan’s life. God bless you. Godspeed. Amen.

Missing Brenan

During the light of day, I can face the world with a smile on face and can feel my brother's spirit filling me with warmth. I can't help but feel a little like a superhero - I have a guardian angel, a constant reminder of the promises I made to Brenan that need to be fulfilled, including being strong and picking up where he left off in trying to make this world a better place.

But what seems like never-ending power and bottomless energy during the day, dissipates into weakness and overwhelming sorrow under the dim light of the stars. It's the quiet of the night at the end of the day when I miss my brother so much it hurts. I am even more saddened when I think about the pain of my family, of Brenan's friends, of a community that is missing an outstanding citizen. I am no longer a superhero, but a tired human, struggling to make it through the night, frustrated by the fate that has befallen.

But a new day will come tomorrow for us, the lucky ones, and we each can face this day as a changed person - changed by Brenan, having known him, going through this experience with him, and knowing what we can do to carry on his legacy. I couldn't do this without the support of all our family and friends. I am overwhelmed with how much love came out of this period of pain.

The memorial service on Saturday could not have been more special and perfect, a tremendous reflection of a great man. Thank you to everyone who spoke about Brenan and painted a vivid picture for us to remember, and for those who had not even met Brenan to know him as if they did. We made Brenan proud - good memories, good music, good praises.

2 Announcements

1) The Open House in Minnesota will be held at the home of Stan and Debbie LeRoy at 2:00 on Sunday.

514 W. 2nd Street
Northfield, MN
507-645-7159

2) If you wrote a check for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, it will be several weeks before it is cashed so please keep that in mind. Thanks!

Goodbye from Bryan

The following words were written by Bryan Jones, a long-time friend of Brenan. He now lives in Pennsylvania. Bryan flew (practically with overnight notice) from Pennsylvania to spend three or four days with Brenan during the last few days of being in the hospital. In fact, he helped us pack up the hospital room to go home. He was a great friend to Brenan and here are his words below. -jess-

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Goodbye Brenan

Do I think you will ever be truly gone? No. I believe I feel your spirit with each new day. As I write this I am looking at a picture of us that Jess took right after your Marrow Transplant. For some reason it seems to bring me a little peace knowing that your year long battle has ended. I can only imagine how much of a culture shock it was for you to sit in a hospital bed for 18 to 20 hours a day.

I will remember the days we spent out at Lake Pleasant. The days we would drive to Mill Avenue in the Camaro, the many trips to McDonalds, the conversations about what the Cardinals were doing. And most importantly, I will remember his spirit, the energy, the order, the passion for life, the never ending pursuit for excellence.

Let’s face it….. While working a day job, Brenan learned to fly helicopters. Normal people watch movies; enjoy time with loved ones, and find whatever spare time is left for friends. This guy was a freak of nature. For some reason, Brenan always seemed to have more time than I did! It’s like his days were 48 hours and mine were 24. He always found time out of thin air. He was a Friend, Cousin, Grandson, Swimmer, Snowboarder, avid boater, Valedictorian, Helicopter Pilot, and most importantly, Brother, Son, & Husband. All of that and he still found time to SLEEP! Brenan had a level of energy that might have been unmatched in my lifetime. I always tried to capture it for myself with varying degrees of success.

Even faced with his own mortality, what I remember most is Brenan worrying about others. His greatest worry was always Jess, Elisa, and Mom. I can only hope to have that sort of “heart”. He knew his fight was coming to an end, but couldn’t help feeling that the “new fight” without him would be even harder to bear. Fortunately, we all know, that Brenan will always be with us. His spirit has ALWAYS been more powerful than his body. And his soul will be with us forever.

As my mom taught me, I have begun talking to him daily; in fact, I talk to Grandma Jones, Grandpa Phillips, & Brenan daily. The family of souls that travels with me has grown in the past few weeks. And with Brenan, they have grown more powerful than before. For some reason I am finding more hours in the day, loving people a little more, and worrying about things that never used to cross my mind. This can only be your doing.

Goodbye dear friend. I can’t wait to see you again someday. The McDonalds will be on me.

-Bryan-

Many thanks/Songlist

Thank you to ALL who made Saturday such a meaningful tribute to Brenan. I felt so lifted up with support and proud to have been married to such a wonderful man. You have all touched my heart beyond words and I hope that you are finding comfort in this time of sadness for all.

A few people asked about the music we included in Brenan’s Memorial Service. Here are the songs that were played in case you would like to download songs or buy cds.

Before service:
“Peace” by Jennifer Knapp (Album: Lay It Down)
“Wanna Be Like You” by FFH (Album: Wanna Be Like You)
“This Road” by Jars of Clay (Album: City on a Hill: Songs of Worship and Praise)
“And Now My Lifesong Sings” by Casting Crowns (Album: Lifesong)
“Word of God Speak” by Mercy Me (Album: Spoken For)
“Be Still and Know” by Steven Curtis Chapman (Album: Speechless)
“Where You Are” by FFH (Album: City on a Hill: Songs of Worship and Praise)
“Refine Me” by Jennifer Knapp (Album: Kansas)

During service:
“Who Am I?” by Casting Crowns (Album: [self-titled] Casting Crowns)
“I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me (Album: Almost There)

Following service:
“In Me” by Casting Crowns (Album: Lifesong)
“Lifesong” by Casting Crowns (Album: Lifesong)
“Spoken For” by Mercy Me (Album: Spoken For)
“Say Won’t You Say” by Jennifer Knapp (Album: The Way I Am)
“There Will Be a Day” by Jeremy Camp (Album: Speaking Louder Than Before)
“Be Still and Know” by Steven Curtis Chapman (Album: Speechless)

Midwest Reflections

I do have quite a bit to say about Saturday's memorial service and what we are experiencing in this past week. But that will come in a later post. As for now, I'd like to announce that there will be an open house at the home of Debbie and Stan LeRoy in Northfield, Minnesota for those friends and relatives in the midwest who'd like to celebrate Brenan's life. Mom and Dad (Bruce and Julianne) are driving out to Minnesota right now, they left this morning at 7:30 and should be arriving in the next day or so. The open house is scheduled to take place on Sunday, June 7th around 2:00 p.m.